Expressing pain through sarcasm since 2010. Welcome to the official site for bitter cripples (and those who love them). Smart Ass Cripple has been voted World's Biggest Smart Ass by J.D. Power and Associates.
Arthritis people have a lot of nerve calling
themselves crippled. They sure don’t look crippled to me. They all look happy
and clean and upright and smiley.
I know this because there’s a glossy magazine
called Arthritis Today put out by the Arthritis Foundation. It has a lot of articles about stuff like
diet and exercise for arthritis people. And the arthritis people on the
cover are always happy and clean and upright and smiley. Here’s a sample:
I’ve known a lot of arthritis people. Hell,
I’m married to one. And I’m confused because most of them don’t look like all
those people on the cover of Arthritis Today. A lot of times their fingers are
gnarled and spooley and thin as twigs. They can’t turn their heads because their
neck vertebrae are fused. Some ride around in wheelchairs and scooters. They
really do look crippled.
But nobody looks like that on the cover of
Arthritis Today. I don’t know why that is. It must mean that the arthritis
people have either been a) cured or b) re-branded.
Either way, those arthritis people are some
lucky cripples. Some people are trapped in crippling conditions that are so
grim and hopeless that their image is beyond polishing. They’re a long way
from having their own lifestyle magazine. For instance, there’s no magazine called
Paranoid Schizophrenia Today. I checked because you never know. But there
isn’t. If there was, the articles would be like “How to Jog Away Those Pesky Paranoid
The world isn’t ready for a magazine like
that. And some crippling conditions will never have their own lifestyle
magazine just because they’re too damn hard to pronounce. Like for instance,
Disease. There’s no lifestyle magazine
Disease Today. I checked because you
never know. But there isn’t. I’m sure glad I don’t have that damn disease. It’s
hopeless. You can’t even make a decent acronym out of it. There are a ton of
diseases out there clamoring for attention and it’s hard to get a jump on the competition.
You need more than just a sad story. Everyone has a sad story. You need an
easy-to-remember acronym, like AIDS. If possible, the acronym should be catchy
like a jingle. Some diseases have managed to get noticed without an acronym,
like PTSD. PTSD doesn’t work as an acronym because it makes people laugh. It
sounds like you’re trying to get someone’s attention by whispering.
But maybe it’s not so weird. Maybe the
arthritis people are like every other population. There are a dozen or so
magazine cover models and there’s everybody else.